The unabridged version of Asher Roth’s reflection.

If I see one more Facebook status that reads “moving into the beach!” or “first day of classes ,” I’ll probably start crying. Actually, I already whimpered today when I signed into Facebook, so this would be a full-fledged sob for the loss of my youth and coolness.

When I graduated from high school, I rarely got the nostalgic pangs that I feel now.

After four years of an intense college-prep experience with solely females, pinned blazers, intense assemblies on the dangers and evil-ness of sex and street drugs, and “demerits” for rolled skirts and sloppy shirts, I was ready to move on.

Besides, the only drug present at my high school was, at the very worst, pot. And there was an uproar after one self-righteous (male) speaker told us that it was “the women’s fault for arousing men, because girls wear sweatpants with the word ‘juicy’ on the butt. And they walk with a strut.”

Get real.

College, even a small, private one, was an all-around enriching experience. I especially the miss the thrill of pulling up to campus after a long summer, ready to pack a year’s worth of memories into a small dorm room with the people you grew extremely fond of over the course of your educational experience.

Plus, there were certain things you could get away with in college that are simply unacceptable in the awkward, post-college social dynamic.

For example:

1. You could wear sweatpants on the regular. I know, some people disagree with this and say either a. sweatpants are hideous or b. you can wear sweatpants whenever you want, wherever you want. But I think you’d be hard pressed to find a successful human being rolling into his or her office in sweatpants and a shirt that reads “Fairfield Athletics” or “College.”

2. You could fully reap the benefits of student deals, like lower priced tickets, food, manicures, etc.

Come to think of it, I still do this. But I can only be a poser for so long before someone calls me out, or at least until I get my new (graduate) school id. There’s a certain level of respect and admiration attributed to a school id. Whenever one accompanies a purchase, the store clerk always seems to smile a little wider as they knock $10 off the price tag.

3. Backpacks were a fashionable accessory. I looked at my red Northface sitting on my closet shelf today, and I wanted to say “Hey, you! You look great, but I have no highlighters and new notebooks to fill you with…I’m sorry for your loss.”

Now, if a young 20-something walks around with a backpack outside the limits of a campus, passerby’s look for a bookstore or a public mode of a transportation nearby. And you can’t really retort “I’m just trying to carry my things,” because that’s what messanger bags and chic purses were invented for. Time to grow up.

4. You could blame just about anything on the party dynamics from the night before. Regretful words, outlandish statements, crazy dance moves only seen on ABDC (great show), singing Asher Roth’s “College” obnoxiously loud – chalk it up to the college party, and you’re good to go for the impending evening.

5. Conversations about “freshman year!” and complaints about the difficulty of core classes were acceptable and welcome. Now, if I reference freshman year, others must think “that was four years ago.” It’s depressing, and I’m sure the other participants in this sad conversation want to say “get over it, creep.”

Classes used to be a good way to define yourself. Business kids talked about accounting, liberal arts kids talked about weird things like upper-level religion and politics courses. Now, you have to result to the topic of recently-read books and pop-culture. This requires one to actually buy books or consume pop-culture, and there are many more chances to offend someone or have them miss your nuanced reference to a movie quote or current bestseller.

Sigh.

Actually, despite this rambling post, I miss college but I am excited to move on with life. I think. My friend and I discussed the other day (via our Blackberries, of course) how the real world is actually not real, and how we don’t understand why everyone talks about how “hard and rough” it is. In fact, I’ve seen more than one instance where people actually come to work and do not do one thing that constitutes as such.

Maybe the best is yet to come and I just have my head too stuck in the rocky sand at Fairfield Beach to notice.

And to anyone who complains about the “difficulty” of college classes or the pain of “moving all my ish onto the 4th floor,” get over it. You’ll crave those 60 minute lectures and dorm stairs when you are sitting awkwardly in front of a potential boss, trying to convince them that you are indeed the best for the job.

On Facebook.

Despite this “recession,” or whatever term television journalists at large have used to classify this horrific era of the class of 2009’s depression and lack of activity, Facebook has announced that they plan to increase their hiring by 50 percent this year.

Shit, man. How do I get a job at Facebook? Do applicants have to be even creepier than they already are? Increase their friend count? Status update all day? That wouldn’t be right.

An article from Global CIO says:

Facebook’s hiring spree runs counter to the experience of its social networking rival MySpace, which recently announced it would trim its international workforce by two-thirds and its US staff by 30%. And, a recent informal survey at an Enterprise 2.0 session found that participants were cutting back on their use of Facebook as well as MySpace.

However, Facebook’s user base continues to grow and its workforce has reached the 1,000 mark to keep up. Earlier this year, company executives said Facebook expected to grow 70% this year with revenues surpassing $500 million. Facebook generates revenue from advertising and other payments

Frankly, this makes sense. As more people are sitting around at home, indulging in daytime television and reading copious amounts of online news in order to seem informed, or trying to fill empty work hours, they also spend more time on Facebook.

It also makes sense that many are “cutting back” their MySpace usage because that whole phenomenon is just weird. MySpace should just take their cut, say their piece and become a Facebook app.

The creep factor has skyrocketed.

The original Facebook simply provided a platform for social connection. You had to be in college to use it, a rule I liked. You had a nice picture and not 1,003 pictures tagged at obscene hours of the evening or workday without you knowing. Status updates were non-existent.

Now, I can find out what you said to your ex-roommate via wall-to-wall, I can see where you were last weekend via your status updates and “recently tagged pics,” I can find out your email, workplace, current city, group affiliations, favorite news articles, what you’re trying to sell, what you blog about, if you have a website, and your hopes, dreams and general outlook on life.

And thank goodness for that. Because Facebook has become the sole way to reconnect with your past, and by past I mean college.

While reading this post, you may scoff “Okay, how much time does this girl think I have on my hands? Who is she, even? I don’t sit around all day reading Facebook. I’ve never even made a status update!”

Yeah, sure.

Count how many times you just “check your Facebook” in a week. Now, scroll your minifeed. Oh, looks like that person feels great about seeing her “girlies! xo” this weekend. Wow, those guys sure hate Barack Obama. School must be starting, because a lot of people are “packing” and “can’t believe how quick the summer went.”

The nursing boards must have happened nation-wide, because it seems like many RN’s just joined Facebook.

And what is that mini-phone thing next to an update? Tweeting, I mean Facebooking, from a mobile phone? It’s all about location.

Facebook even provides a “good friend” cushion.

Example: It’s your sophomore year suitemate’s birthday and you forgot. Everyone else wished him/her a “happy birthday, bro!” before you. Shame on you, but thank goodness- Zuckerberg publishes “the list.” You can save yourself with a craftily timed “inbox message,” which is “more personal” than a wall post.

Sidenote: I’m not hating on any of this. I am guilty of every Facebook action.

Now that Facebook has replaced AIM, Webshots (remember them?), sometimes email and often interpersonal contact, I fear that everyone may join Dwight Schrute’s game of “Second Life.” If you don’t watch “The Office” and the reference is lost on you, then start watching “The Office.”

These are the tools we’re given, though, and we use them for what they’re worth.

Some questions to ponder about this consistent conversation we all participate in.

1. Why and how does Facebook keep “suggesting” people and things to me? I understand the “50 friends in common” backstory, but I can’t quite figure out why a girl I met once doing a service-learning project keeps popping up as “someone I may know.” We have no friends in common and she is not in my “contact list,” if that even makes sense. I’ll even see random activities I might like pop up, groups I’d think about joining, etc.

Facebook is a person, and he is an acquaintance that sort-of “knows” me.

I sense a conspiracy.

2. Why isn’t there a “dislike” button, similar to the “like” thumbs-up symbol? I assume I speak for the majority when I say it would be much more fun to dislike 3, maybe 4 things a day on your minifeed. Maybe cause some “drama” in Schrute’s world.

3. Why do people keep inviting me to become a pirate, an eco-friendly farmer or a fan of an unknown band? Do you think we could create filters for the invites we receive? I don’t really want to find out the sex of my future child via a quiz made by a random college student or send you a faux, virtual gift on your birthday. If a person sends me a Facebook cake via my wall, I’ll just wonder why anyone would bother to send something that looks so delicious in virtual form. That’s just mean.

4. I think there should be an “awkward” filter-thing on friend requests. For example: You and person X are in class together. X sits behind you, but you and X do not speak. You see each other at the bar said evening. X yells “Yo! You sit in front of me in ____ class! Dude, I hate that class!” You respond “I know! Let’s do the project together!”

Flash forward to the Saturday morning Facebook friend request. X friends you, or you friend X. But, don’t you wish there was a filter that flagged this request as “Warning: This is a potentially awkward request that will have no significance to either of us after ____ class ends. In fact, I may or may not speak to you outside the four walls of the bar ever again. Post college – seeeeeya, but I’ll probably creep ya?”

Or, if a random person from college “friends” you after the fact of graduation, you could accept it but with a “return receipt” that says “yeah, we don’t speak, but I find virtual friendship perfectly acceptable. I may even shout-out your birthday, but not with a wallpost-cake, because that’s reserved for my real life friends.”

Also, moms have Facebook.

5. Facebook Chat just makes a person way, way too available.

I could go on, but I think I just out-geeked myself, which I thought was an impossible feat.

It’s okay to spend time on Facebook. Despite a few weird features, it helps friends from all over the world connect all the time and in a personal way. I would not talk to half the people I have met in life if I did not have an account.

When Match.com makes an app, that’s when things will start to go downhill. And that’s when I’ll most likely delete my account.

I have to say, though, that the King Creep (pictured) is a genius.